Ok, this is gonna get pretty mushy here for a sec. Ready? ~wait, let me grab my tissues...
My best cousin and sweetest lady ever, Tanshyle Peterson recently has given me a gift that has literally changed my life (first of all her friendship, but this also) She bought me a book called "I am a Mother". Changed my life and here is the story.
My mother came home from Tierra's (Tanshyle's little sis) wedding, and told me that Tanshyle was asking about me and that she seemed so sincere in wanting to spend time with me and that she wanted to see me. I have always looked up to Tanshyle and wanted to always spend time with her when we were in school and such, but we never took the opportunity, which I regret. So needless to say, I was super flattered when my mom told me that and I really did want to get together with her. I have been struggling with some post-partum depression since Ryken was born, and sort of an identity "crisis". I would have troubles getting out of bed in the morning to fix my babies breakfast, I always got up to make sure they were taken care of and full but I have been so stuck that alot of times I wouldn't eat myself because I was just too discouraged. How can I be so happy with the life I have, but have such a hard time enjoying it and the blessings that come from being a mother? Why have I let myself go when I used to have such high self image? How can I love so many different things, crafts, books, music, children, dancing, but not enjoy doing them? I still don't know sometimes...
My mom said that I needed to call Tanshyle and spend some time with her. I knew I did, but I didn't want her to see me this way. I wanted to be able to go out with her on the town and just be skippin from place to place with our cute little kids and "doin lunch" etc. I didn't want to do anything but be at home, or at my parents house, not having to get ready to go anywhere, put on a smile that I didn't want to wear. Sitting on the couch a few weeks after that wedding, I was reading Tanshyle's blog (which is amazing! I know, I have a little bit of a crush on Tanshyle at this time in my life :p) and I had just a really strong feeling that I should text her, and just be honest and humble about the stuff I am dealing with, and just basically ask for her her friendship and support. I didn't think she would really understand because I have read her blog and I knew that she was this awesome mother and wife that I couldn't hack at the moment. I texted her and told her that I am suffering with some really bad depression lately, and I don't feel like I have a girlfriend that I could talk to about it. I told her how much I missed those times we spent together and how I hoped that we might could get together sometime and just hang out like old times. I was really sincere and open with everything that I was experiencing (in a nut shell text) and asked if she might could call me when she isn't busy. I didn't even receive a text back because she called me right away. We talked for over an hour about what I was going through and (surprise) what she has gone through with her kids, her hard times after their births and how she still feels that way, but how she is working on it. She doesn't know this, but after I got off of the phone with her, I called my mom and cried to her saying how I feel like I have someone who can help save me from me....
We made plans for a few days after that. Tanshyle would be coming down for a hair cut and so she and the girls would come over and we would spend the evening together sippin our cokes and sharing our stories. Tuesday night arrived and I was so so excited. When she got here, we picked up right where we left off, and she brought me "momma's good juju", Clayson's book: "I am a Mother" forwarded by Sheri Dew. She explained how someone gave it to her when she was having an especially hard time and the ladies in her ward passed in on to each other and such. I was so excited, that was the sweetest gesture ever!
I started reading it that night and cried with how much I felt the spirit. I can honestly say that these precious words from these ladies, and the various other people she quotes have litterally changed my life. I have gained a testomony I didn't really have about motherhood, and the important roll we play in God's work.
"I am but a pencil in God's hand. He chooses what to write, etc" Sorry, can't remember the quote and can't look at the book, so I will add it later... That is something that Mother Teresa said of herself.
I really want to write more, so I will another day, I will continue my story, sorry it is 3am. But do know this, I am a good mother and good wife because of the testimony I have gained in the past three weeks, thanks to Tanshyle, good mom juju, and especially, Our Savior and Heavenly Father.
